The Digested Read of The Guardian's Digested Reads, by John Crace

"I am a smug git. I spend my time writing unfunny parodies of books by authors who are, in every instance, more talented than I am. I make a living farting out odious imitations and mockeries of other people's creativity. I sneer and traduce. I demean the work of my betters, and I treat my readers with contempt and I undermine what intelligence remains in the world of literary journalism. I live in a bubble of my own triviality. I am a waste of everybody's time and I should be smeared in shit and left in an alley. Also, Jim Crace should sue me because for ages Keith Ridgway thought I was him, and became very depressed about the whole thing."